Fox News Guide to Right-Wing Enemies, Part 1

France: Replace all references to 'France' or 'French' with the word 'Freedom' -- e.g. Freedom Toast, Freedom Kiss, Freedom-Cut Panty Hose and actor/comedian Freedom Stewart. Jury still out on changing The O'Reilly Factor bumper sticker to 'Boycott Freedom'.

The Media: Also known as 'The Mainstream Media' or 'the Liberal Elite Media' or 'The Establishment Media'. It is comprised of everything that was known as 'The Media' prior to 1994. The standard bearers for this quasi-terrorist (OK, at least terrorist-sympathetic group) include The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, CNN, Time magazine, Newsweek magazine...aw fuck it, the list is too long to recount. Suffice to say, if it isn't run by Rev. Sun Myung Moon, Richard Mellon Scaife or Rupert Murdoch, it's 'the Liberal Elite Media'.

San Francisco: A city known as 'Baghdad by the Bay' can't be trusted. Some important questions must be answered. Have they used weapons of mass destruction on their own people? Are they gaming the UN oil-for-food program? We could sit around and try to figure out the answers to these questions, but we don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud...or a bunch of gay married people. Plan for preemptive strike. Also home of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals -- the big leagues for 'activist judges'... and we think they support terrorism.

Activist Judges: Otherwise known as 'judges'. May also include 'activist justices'. Not to be confused with 'active justices' like avid goose hunter Antonin Scalia or avid aide gooser Clarence Thomas.

SpongeBob Squarepants: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Who's ten times as dangerous as Liberace?

College Professors: They sit in their ivory towers and brainwash our children with their radical liberal ideas. And do you know how many elephants were sacrificed to build those ivory towers? As Republicans, we like elephants. They'll work for peanuts and don't unionize. And they come from Asia and Africa, which are far off places that we don't really understand...but we like. Wait, is the Middle East part of Asia or Africa?

AARP: This is a terrible ultraliberal organization started by insurance companies to sell stuff that you can get just as cheap from the United Seniors Association or at least that's what noted historian, sociologist and consumer watchdog Art Linkletter told me. What?! You say he's just a former Hollywood actor?!

Hollywood: Hollywood actors and directors are morally bereft, out-of-touch, camera-hungry loons who are waging a battle against America and its family values. There's really no reason we should even entertain their views on politics unless they are named Arnold Schwartzenegger, Mel Gibson, Charlton Heston, Ron Silver or the aforementioned Art 'Kids Say the Darndest Things' Linkletter. Oh, and of course that pretty girl from Law & Order that's married to the football player.

NAACP: They don't really represent coloreds -- I mean black people. If those people would just stop blindly voting Democrat and look around the President's Cabinet...wait, where are you going Colin?

Michael Moore: He's a liar, he's a liar, he's a liar, he's a liar.